Dear Mama
by Katarina Mladenovicova
Dear Mama,
Sorry I ran away … I didn’t mean to leave without telling you but I just had to go.
You would have asked all these questions, I myself don’t have the answers to …
Why now ?
Where ?
Can I come with you ?
Are you gonna be safe all by yourself?
I don’t know … I just needed to go
The city is overwhelming. Lights, bars, trains, people, lights, people, trains, …
I can’t stay anymore. I need to reconnect you know …
Reconnect with myself
With nature
With the people around me.
Anyways, I went south and I’m ok.
It’s so empty here … I mean, concrete still grows from the beaches and cars ride with the sounds of the waves but it’s still calmer …
The fact that it’s less chaotic than the city doesn’t help me think though
It’s like the loudness of the city haunts me
Or maybe it’s me … Maybe the chaos is in my head …
I thought I’d find peace here … I thought I would be less irritated by what surrounds me
Guess what? It’s not working.
The nature helped a bit at first, but then its immensity overwhelmed me as much as the urban chaos
Maybe I’m just scared to realize how insignificant we are
How small and nonessential our lives are
Nonessential …
You’re probably angry and scared about me using that word
I know … I am too
I’m so young, yet nothing seems to suffice
Yes, I’m a happy person and yes some things awaken joy and ecstasy
But after that …
After that, every single thought goes in hurting me deeper and deeper
Every single question tries to redefine the things I thought I had figured out
Every single encounter challenges this self I intend to create
It really feels like I was made out of pieces of random puzzle boxes
Pieces that will never fit
But who doesn’t like puzzles, right?
I’m gonna go stare at the ocean for the fifth time today, I’ll send you the photos with the letter.
Oh and don’t worry
I’ll be ok.
-K.
